Table of contents:
- Causes of emotional dependence in the partner
- 1. Insecure attachment in childhood
- 2. Low level of self-esteem
- 3. Mental disorders or unstable personalities
- 4. Past traumatic relationships
- 5. Social factors: romantic love
- Romantic love as a cause of emotional dependence
- Emotional dependence in the couple: symptoms
- Symptoms of emotional dependence
- Myths that promote codependency or emotional dependence in the couple
- Myth of the "better half"
- Myth of "Everybody finds someone"
- Myth of "Love at first sight".
- Myth of the "prince charming"
- Solutions and treatment of emotional dependence
Rating: 4.3 (3 votes) 3 comments By Inma García Jorge. Updated: 29 November 2018
Emotional dependence on the partner is defined as a pattern of need for attachment and a toxic bond with another person. Jealousy, insecurity, and even aggressive behaviors are hallmarks of emotional dependence. However, what are the causes of dependency ?
“When we are just girls they teach us tales of princesses and princes who must rescue us. While the children are educated to repress their emotions and be in the future "strong, brave men." Wouldn't it be wonderful if there were no princesses to save or princes who had to suppress their emotions to appear stronger? " ¿ What is romantic love ? This type of love, "romantic love", very on the rise at the moment, has instilled in our society, a series of distorted values about love. Characterized by dependence, subordination and obedience within the relationship.
In this PsychologyOnline article, we will talk about what are the causes and symptoms of emotional dependence in the couple.
You may also be interested in: How to eliminate emotional dependence Index- Causes of emotional dependence in the partner
- Romantic love as a cause of emotional dependence
- Emotional dependence in the couple: symptoms
- Myths that promote codependency or emotional dependence in the couple
- Solutions and treatment of emotional dependence
Causes of emotional dependence in the partner
The causes of emotional dependence can be various: the different types of attachment in childhood and adolescence can greatly influence the appearance of patterns of emotional dependence. Personality, level of self-esteem and social factors can also be an important influence. Here are the main causes of emotional dependence:
1. Insecure attachment in childhood
An insecure attachment style in which the figures of the father and the mother do not promote family ties, can be one of the causes by which, over the years, a person can develop emotional dependence.
2. Low level of self-esteem
The low self - esteem is also one of the leading causes of emotional dependence, when we feel insecure, we usually find a link to provide us with self - esteem and affection we need. In this case, we are completely dependent on another individual.
3. Mental disorders or unstable personalities
The presence of personality disorders or behavioral styles can also favor the appearance of emotional dependence: two people can develop a toxic and dependent bond if their behavior patterns promote unhealthy dynamics.
4. Past traumatic relationships
After leaving a toxic or abusive relationship, it is normal to have some type of psychological consequences such as fear or emotional insecurity. Some of these sequels do not become evident until we start a relationship again, it is the case of emotional dependence.
5. Social factors: romantic love
Another of the main causes of dependency on the couple and toxic relationships are the myths of romantic love. When we are little, we establish a hierarchical way of seeing relationships. In Romanesque love, the woman is the subordinate, weak and dependent individual of the man.
Romantic love gives rise to a type of relationship that is not explicit within the group of 7 types of relationships of Sternberg's triangular theory (1988), "Toxic relationships." These types of relationships create "addiction", the people involved feeling unable to put an end to them. Sometimes, out of fear of abandonment or loss, not accepting the break in any way.
Romantic love as a cause of emotional dependence
Romantic love is a type of love that occurs largely in Western cultures, it is relative to culture and therefore, it is neither universal nor constant. This type of love would be the idealized love of each one, with an exalted, pure, universal, eternal and irrational value that overcomes all barriers and that we conceive as a unique way of having a stable partner and forming a family.
For these reasons, for these reasons, this type of love, or rather, emotional dependence in particular, has become a very relevant topic for psychology.
Since we are born they teach us to love, we learn what we expect from a partner, and accompanying these learnings, a "pinch" of emotional dependence transforms them into flawed attachments. This emotional dependence that transforms our feelings is an extreme and unhealthy need that someone feels towards another person, throughout their relationships.
If you think you may be in a situation like the one we are describing, we recommend taking this emotional dependence test.
Emotional dependence in the couple: symptoms
But what characterizes emotional dependence ? One of the main characteristics that these people suffer is that they are horrified by the mere idea of being alone, they fear loneliness. This determines that the breakdown of a relationship implies the beginning of a new one quickly. Therefore, people with emotional dependence are unable to live and enjoy their life themselves, they need to live and enjoy with someone.
Symptoms of emotional dependence
- They do not have the time necessary to purify themselves after a breakup, fostering highly maladaptive relationships and exposing themselves to making the same mistakes that led to the breakdown of the previous relationship.
- Also, people with emotional dependence need constant access to the person on whom they depend. This translates into constant control over the other's life.
- Since the person with emotional dependence has an excessive fear of being alone, he subordinates his expectations and plans to those of the person on whom he depends. Her priority is not to remain alone, and for this reason, she "must" keep the other happy, only then, thinks the person with emotional dependence, the other person will remain by her side.
- For the person with emotional dependence, life has no meaning without the partner, they "need" to be with the other. Consequently, "love" translates into "need." Generally, all of us share our achievements with others, but in the case of emotional dependence, approval is essential, necessary, in order to give these achievements the value that corresponds to them.
- In the emotional dependence picture, an idealization of the couple appears, flatly denying their defects and planning a future with the newly met person. It is important to stop idealizing a person to take the first steps towards emotional independence.
Myths that promote codependency or emotional dependence in the couple
People with emotional dependence believe they are incomplete, unsatisfied. For them, myths such as “the better half”, “the charming prince”, etc., govern their love life. Next, we are going to define for you the main myths that promote codependency.
Myth of the "better half"
The first allusion to the concept of the search for the "better half" appears in Plato's work The Banquet. In the book, after a copious feast, Aristophanes tells the audience that, in a remote time, humans were round beings, like oranges; They had two opposite faces on the same head, four arms and four legs that they used to roll around. These beings could be of three classes:
- One, made up of man + man
- Another woman + woman
- And, a third (he called him the 'androgynous'), male + female.
They wanted to face the gods and climb the sky, but Zeus punished them by cutting them in two. Since then, he narrated Plato's work, each half seeks its other half to merge with it forever in an embrace.
The myth of the better half places its accent on the search but not on the encounter. It supports the idea that there is only one key for each lock. To look for what I do not have in the other is to have the illusion that a partner is a life saver.
Of course there are complementary pairs that nurture the love relationship and bring balance to everyday life. Completion is not the same as complement. It's about finding someone to give you back walls and not looking for someone to build walls.
After all, all people are born alone and die alone. Sharing time with a person who enriches you and respects you is the greatest of luck, as long as their independence and autonomy are maintained. We must not forget that the largest area of our life is covered by ourselves.
Myth of "Everybody finds someone"
This myth affects the need to live looking for that person who "should" accompany you.
You may find many people throughout your life that you want to establish a relationship with, or you may not. And nothing happens, everyone lives life as they can and how they want.
Myth of "Love at first sight".
"When I find the love of my life, I will recognize him at first sight." Another great myth. That only happens in movies. Did you recognize your best friend at first glance? Well, the same thing happens with love.
Myth of the "prince charming"
What chances do we have of finding the perfect person in our life to share? And which ones, if we are lucky enough to find her, to spend the rest of our existence with her?
In my opinion, practically none. There are no perfect people, much less perfect, to accompany us on this journey. There are people who make us grow and give us a hand, to go hand in hand, walking this path.
The old-fashioned idea of princes and princesses is probably fed by the fantasy of children's stories, where a beautiful, virtuous, understanding and complacent princess always ends up happy and content in the arms of a handsome, noble, strong and brave prince, who after risking their lives on countless occasions, whether with sorcerous and evil witches who embody envy and meanness, come to them.
This myth makes us fall into the great mistake of looking for the perfect, ideal being, giving rise to the unhappiness that this implies.
Solutions and treatment of emotional dependence
Once we have detected this pattern of dependence in the couple's dynamics, it is important to find an effective solution to leave this situation behind. If you want to know how to do it, we recommend you read the following article: how to overcome emotional dependence with your partner.
If you consider that it is affecting your mental health, it is important that you go to a therapist who is expert in eliminating emotional dependence.
This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
If you want to read more articles similar to Causes and symptoms of emotional dependence in the couple, we recommend that you enter our category of Couples Therapy.
References- Sternberg, RJ (1988). Triangle Of Love . New York: Basic Books.