Table of contents:
- How to know if a person is being manipulated
- How a manipulated person feels
- How to help a manipulated person
- 1. Respect
- 2. Support
- 3. Don't judge
- 4. Do not press
- 5. Assess
- 6. Empower
- 7. Help express
- 8. Make decisions
- 9. Help set limits
- 10. Set objectives
- 11. Listen
- 12. Psychoeducation
- 13. Remember
- 14. Validate
- 15. Ask
- 16. Confront
Manipulation is the action of manipulating, it comes from the Latin "manipulus", from "manus" which means hand, and from "pelere" which means to fill. Formerly, the verb manipulate was designated to a handful of things that can be taken with the hand. For what manipulate, etymologically, was everything that is susceptible to be handled manually, fixed, modified or altered, by hands interested in obtaining some benefit.
Currently the term manipulate is also used for when someone - be it family, partner, friends, politics, etc. - tries to influence a person's thinking or decisions. Manipulation is distinguished from persuasion, since the person exercising it has not convinced the other person but has deceived them. In this Psychology-Online article we want to explain how to open the eyes of a manipulated person with 15 keys.
You may also be interested in: Why can't I look into your eyes when I speak Index- How to know if a person is being manipulated
- How a manipulated person feels
- How to help a manipulated person
How to know if a person is being manipulated
When a person is being a victim of manipulation, we can observe that one of the most obvious things that happens is a general change in attitude on the part of this person. Probably due to the pressure exerted by the manipulator. You see that the person changes their lifestyle, they no longer go out to dinner with you on Fridays as they used to, they even change their way of dressing and they do not go anywhere without the other person, unless they already have plans. first without counting on him or her.
You detect that every time you see each other and he is not with that person, he does not stop looking at his mobile and writing to him. The feeling is that they have changed the person you knew, it is like that he has gone to bed and has awakened another person who does not fit in with the one you got along so well. In addition, you realize how difficult it is for him to do everything that previously motivated him so much, he has changed his habits and has adopted those of the other person. When you ask him why these changes, his answers are usually either avoiding the question not to answer or things like "I have never really liked it that much and now I have realized it."
How a manipulated person feels
It is often difficult to know how someone who is being manipulated might feel, since from the outside it seems that they have changed so much, and partly because this person has wanted to, that it can generate confusing feelings about how they should feel.
That is one of the great dilemmas of manipulation, to what extent the person manipulated is aware of the deception and what degree of responsibility can be attributed to him. Due to this dilemma, many of the people around the manipulated person do not show support either, in large part because they do not know how to do it and another because the person is not very aware of the spiral in which they have entered.
Suffering manipulation can generate feelings of loneliness. Firstly because the person experiences changes in their day-to-day life, which although they seem freely chosen, have been imposed in the form of deception by the other person and that can generate a dissonance between how they really think, feel and act but do not dare to confront and end abiding. Second, loneliness is given because their environment does not understand the changes either, and one party may think that it is something that has been voluntary and that the person has decided on their own, thus leading to social distancing.
The person who enters this circle of manipulation is seeing his self-esteem diminish because little by little he loses his essence and becomes the person that the other person wants him to be.
It should be noted that on many occasions this domination of the manipulative person is subtle and is done gradually in several stages, the objective is to override the defenses of the other person. For this, a lot is played with the role of emotions and the idea of romantic love. In this way, it will be very difficult for the manipulated person to distinguish when the relationship is exceeding the limit of what has been agreed as acceptable.
How to help a manipulated person
Next we will see how to help and how to open the eyes of a manipulated person:
1. Respect
As mentioned above, for other people who have experienced manipulation from an observer position, on many occasions it can be difficult to understand how that person has been deceived and it has cost them so much or is costing them so much get out of this. Each person has a time of acceptance of situations and circumstances and we must respect it, as long as their life is not threatened. We must be there to help you in the process of opening your eyes but respecting your time, because if we put too much pressure on the person and they are not prepared to explain everything that happened, they can close in band.
2. Support
It is one of the most important points that we can offer to a person who has been submerged in a manipulative relationship. During every relationship, the support you have received has not been a real support but the result of deception. We must make that person perceive that we are there for anything and that they can count on us for anything. Phrases such as: "You know I'm here for whatever you need, even though now you feel like you can't tell me what's wrong," or "Whatever is happening to you, you know you can tell me, I'm here and you can't help me. I'm going to move "," Lately I see you differently and this fact worries me, if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask me for help.
3. Don't judge
It may be that it has changed in that time, due to the manipulation situation that it has experienced, perhaps it has left you a little more aside and you have felt that it has not been considered or valued as it should. It is important to understand that in a manipulation situation the person is not 100% himself, since he is being controlled by another person. Try not to blame certain things that can make the person feel guilty and make them close to themselves.
4. Do not press
The handling relationship, on various occasions, is already a constant pressure. It is important that from the outside we try not to put more pressure on the person than they may already be or have been pressured. Let's give time to time for the person to open their eyes or start their life anew. As long as we are not afraid for the person's life and this person is not at high risk of danger.
5. Assess
Explain everything you like about that person, that you see in them. The first step sometimes to value yourself, and later in a manipulative relationship, is that you see that other people see qualities in you. This fact can also serve as a confrontation to see that the person who has or has had by his side has not done it and as a consequence the person has also stopped doing it.
6. Empower
Just as valuing the other person can be one of the factors that can help the person who is being manipulated, empower them as well. It is about you, as an observer and as a person who has known the other for some time, to explain everything that they are capable of doing on their own, because you have seen it and because you trust that person.
7. Help express
The manipulative relationship has most likely made the person feel that their opinion, their feelings, their emotions are less than those of other people, and that they have constantly been underestimated. It is very important that with you he is able to express what he really feels and wants. At first it may be difficult due to the dynamics in which the person has been immersed, even so it is important to try to make the person express what they want, even in very banal things.
8. Make decisions
Probably one of the things that the manipulative relationship has been able to cause in the other person is insecurity when making decisions, since all the previous ones were highly conditioned by the person who was manipulating. It is important to try as much as possible and when such a situation is detected, that during the time or in the event that the relationship has left, it is tried to get the person to start making decisions and see that it is she who has the reins of his life.
9. Help set limits
Perhaps one of the things that could make the manipulated person have such an effect on that person is the difficulty in setting boundaries in the relationship. Help the person with your relationship - you are their friend, their family member, their co-worker - to dare to set some limits. Being able to say no, on many occasions, is the best limit that exists, expressing what one feels can also serve to reach agreements in relationships, negotiate, etc.
10. Set objectives
Manipulative relationships, on many occasions, cause the person to lose many of the goals they had or that they create new, since most are based on what the other person wants. It helps the person discover what they want and what their purposes are from now on.
11. Listen
It is important that, if we want to help someone, we actively listen to that person. One of the most important points of active listening is not judging the person next to you and respecting their emotions and feelings. To use active listening it is important to have time to spend with the other person and show interest. Active listening also involves paying attention to body language or non-verbal language; the look, if it smiles or smiles at us, facial signs when pronouncing certain words, it is about observing the corporal expression.
12. Psychoeducation
Sometimes in any conversation we can do it well to explain what manipulation involves - having previously informed ourselves - to help open the eyes of a person who is in that type of relationship. On the other hand, if the person has already realized that the relationship is not doing him any good, explaining the consequences that may have gone through such a relationship, sometimes calms the anxiety that the person may present. Here you can see the consequences of a toxic relationship.
13. Remember
Perhaps the person has abandoned old hobbies, no longer does many of the things that filled him before and has even changed his way of dressing, as noted above. It can be useful to mention things that you had shared before the relationship that you now have with that manipulative person and that you had jointly enjoyed or topics that you talked about and discussed before and now no longer. The moment he mentions that he no longer likes all that, you can try to inquire assertively, if he really does not like it or has quit for someone else.
14. Validate
It is important that we validate what the person tells us that they feel or help the person express what they feel through validation and empathy.
- For example: "I understand, then, after everything you have told me, that you must have felt very alone in this situation, I am very sorry that you have gone through this." Or: “If what you are telling me had happened to me, I don't really know what I would have done but I think I would feel very hurt. How do you feel?".
15. Ask
In the event that the person sees that they do not open, we can try to ask how they feel or if they are okay in the relationship, all of this always in an assertive way and trying to prevent the person from feeling judged.
16. Confront
Sometimes, people cling to things that are harmful to us without really knowing why, in the case that you see the person who is suffering, but does not want to abandon what is hurting him, we can use confrontation. eye! The confrontation is not saying "you are in a very harmful relationship", but rather assertively indicating something that may have an impact on the person that makes them reflect, which does not mean making a decision.
- Example: "I understand that you cannot come to my birthday, another year it will be! Even so, we made a dinner for the whole group of friends the other day and you didn't come either. Obviously, nothing happens, but it gives me the feeling that since you are With X person, you don't come with us much anymore. Can we do something about it? Is there anything we have done that could have made you feel bad? The truth is that I am very sorry that you are no longer as before, I miss you.
This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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Bibliography- Hirigoyen, M. (2012). The abuse of weakness and other manipulations . Goodbye Contexts.